Special Guest Behavioral Scientist Clarissa Silver
Clarissa Silver is a Behavioral Scientist and Clinician with 17 years of experience in mental health, behavioral science, and public health. She is the author of a very tongue-in-cheek relationship wellness blog, "YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS", to help people select and maintain healthy relationships and avoid some of the difficult life lessons that one encounters in suboptimal relationships. On http://yourejustadumbass.com, she shares techniques that she developed to help clients with creating relationship wellness in their lives.
Clarissa is also the creator of Play Ideal Date game show. She is developing this concept to offer people a unique approach to dating. What makes Play Ideal Date different is a mixed method matching system based on personalized attention and online dating! It is designed to be a modernized version of the "Dating Game" and appeared as an Official Google Hangout on Air during Social Media Week 2013 and was featured in Google Local NY's September 2013 Newsletter.
Clarissa holds an MSW from the University of Michigan and a BA from Hunter College. She has been featured on FOX, NBC, HuffPostLive, ABC, PR Newswire and Vista magazine.
1. Can love exist without self-love? Yes. Let me explain by asking you to ask yourself the following things:
2. Do you do any of these things and still want and find love? Of course you do. We all do. Does it stop us from loving others?
Still think you need to love yourself first? Ok, let’s look at the latest dating trend Benching. In this article, Jason Chen is writing about his experience with rejection and how common it is for people to start dating then blow them off and re-surface months later and resume dating again. So, he became a bench-warmer waiting to get picked; while the other person is dating other people. He’s wondering why he got blown off, but the person comes back and you give them a chance, right? What does this say about what people feel about themselves? Why do they allow it? Should you give people the benefit of the doubt? Sure. But, what’s the cut off? Should your ego, sense of self, or self-respect take a hit? And even when it does take a hit, don’t we still seek love? Isn’t that the opposite of loving yourself first?
3. What does it say about self-love? If you ask people do you love yourself, they’ll likely tell you yes.
4. Here’s my burning question: If you love yourself first, then what explains the faulty decision-making in relationships?
It’s not about self-love, it’s about self-awareness. I think that self-awareness is one of the keys to our relationship decision-making process. When you’re self-aware and ask yourself the same above questions, you’ll find what you accept for yourself and what helps you decide on who, when, and how to love.
5. The interesting part of self-awareness is that it becomes most challenged while you are in a relationship. Have you ever realized that thing that s/he did that annoyed you triggered another aspect of you? Toilet seat example.
The over-reaction to a small thing triggered larger issues: lack of consideration and poor communication. The irony is that people become aware of the lack of self-love in relationship to others. Self-love is cultivated over time. With each relationship we hope to get a better understanding of our needs and what we will seek out in the future. Our sense of self is challenged in each break-up because we’re trying to understand why it happened, why we allowed it to happen, or what was wrong with that person that they didn’t see the greatness in us. Either way, we walk away wondering is this person kidding me with their bs behavior or was I kidding myself?
6. Most of the problem is that people are lowering their standards or they think someone is out of their league. I’m here to tell you that does not exist.You attract what you think you are worth.
7. When you are dating you are seeking people that you can relate to, that you admire, that you trust, that you can work collectively with to reach your common goals. In a sense it should be an extension of what you are and someone who enjoys you for who you are and what you will become. After all, you’re trying to find someone that compliments you and that makes you a better version of yourself. How can that occur if you’re working from a deficit from the very beginning? You’re already working against yourself because you’re concealing your insecurities.
8. You’re not challenging your insecurities because the person isn’t helping you realize your fully actualized self. “Dating in your league” means it’s someone that you feel won’t challenge some of the pain you’ve experienced. You are hoping that you can avoid experiencing similar pain, but endure different pain. You just found someone that will keep you living at 70%.
9. The answer to why you will see a couple that you think “how did they get together” and “why can’t I get that”? Self-esteem! One or both of them abandoned the idea that they can’t attract what they really desire. What you desire is what you should pursue. Not the other way around.
10. If you have a list, make sure you figured out what you want vs. what you need. Ask yourself if it’s based on characteristics vs not getting hurt. Sometimes you replace familiar hurt with new hurt.
Denise Levy, BSW hosts All Things Dating & Relationships!
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